Always In Our Memories

Popo passed away on last Sunday 3/6/2012.
It was such a sudden lost for us.
Never knew that this could happen.
We never thought that thing was this serious.
And the doctor....... Damn I feel like spanking him after hearing what mum said.
If popo's condition was too severe to carry out any operation and you know that there are no possibilities anymore, you should have told us!
It was your responsibilities to inform the condition of popo to us.
And not giving us fake hopes and all.
If we knew popo would be gone so soon, we would have given her to eat the things she wanted.
We would have came back and spend more time with her.
We didn't dare to give her eat the things she wanted because we thought that it might worsen her situation.
We wanted her to carry out the operation so that she gets better.
This is the hope that you as a doctor gave us and all these while you knew that there is no way it could have happen.
Why didn't you tell us earlier??
I regretted so much for not going back 1 week earlier so that I could have spend more time with her.
She even told me to take leave the last time I visited her.
I promised her I will be back 2 weeks later to see her.
But it's too late...
It broke my heart so much to see how thin and weak she is on the bed the last time I went to visit her.
I even told her she will not feel the pain so much after the operation.
She couldn't even sleep well for that 1 month.
She was sitting all day long and couldn't even lie down on the bed.
She had to lean against a table to get some rest.
I felt so bad for not being able to do anything for her.
Popo was most afraid of pain.
Still remember the day she held my hand tightly when the nurse had to take blood from her.
The sight of the needle made her so scared.
I can't even imagine all the pain she had suffered during this 1 whole month.
And to think that no one was by her side all these time.
Only during meal time where mum and kam mou will be there.
How lonely she must have felt to suffer the pain alone.
And why must I fell sick when I'm back at Kuantan??
Why??!!!
I could've spend more time with her...
I could have been by her side.
I feel so sorry for so many things.
We all never expect her to leave us this fast.
All these while she's been so healthy
How long have she endured all the pain??
Hours seem like days to her.
When I told her that I will be back 2 weeks later, she kept telling me she's not sure whether she'll still be around.
And I didn't see her for the last time.
She was alone when she passed away.
No one was by her side.
We should have been by her side.
We should have....
I guess sis felt the worst.
She was the only 1 who didn't saw popo at all.
At least we all went back to visit popo when she was hospitalized.
Sis felt even worse when mum showed her popo's death certificate.
The cause of death just made her cried because all this could have prevented if popo follows her medications.
Sis mumbled her a few time last time for not taking her medicine.
She must have felt bad as she knows this kind of thing.
And I think popo really held on to her life to see Nick.
All these while his family didn't even inform him that popo is hospitalized.
He must have felt terrible for being able to see popo once.
Popo passed away the next day.
Sigh...
I could not hold back my tears the first time I see popo lying in the coffin.
So helpless... Wanted to wake her up so badly.
It hurts the most when we heard the sound of the coffin being nailed.
It was the last time that we were able to look at her face.

Popo was buried on 7th June 2012.
That was the day we all cried our hearts out.
All of us did.
Except for Nick.
He stood by the coffin the longest.
He must have many things to say to popo.
Deep inside he must have been heartbroken.

Had breakfast with ah gong and ah ma on Saturday.
Popo used to follow us for breakfast.
Not now anymore.. Nor in the future.
There's this sudden emptiness now.
I can't no longer stand in front of her house and shout ‘婆婆， 我来了！’
I miss her.
I miss her badly.

婆，
我很想你。
我要载你去吃早餐。
我要载你去买菜。
我还有很多东西没对你做。
没想到今年的新年是和你一起庆祝的最后一年。
再也不能弄饼干给你吃了。
对不起，从来没好好的孝顺你。
对不起。。。